Making it home

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

In spite of myself I am making a home here. 

Most of me doesn’t want to do it — have a life, without Clark. 

You know I’ve been plugging away at organizing my studio — the last room to get neat here. It's a heap  of paint and paper and fabric and tools. Settling it could take forever. Part of me has been back-pedaling, like I didn’t want to complete the job. But this afternoon I was sitting there, crouched on the floor actually, finishing up a bulletin board. I had just telephoned Scott the curtain man. He promises my windows will have shades by Tuesday. And Home Depot is installing counters and sinks (that Clark and I had chosen together) the day after tomorrow. These are the last big jobs. And here I was, putting final touches on the studio. I sat there on the floor and cried. Tomorrow would be our 42nd anniversary, and I am alone in this new home that’s mine whether I want it or not. I longed to start life with Clark all over again. So I sobbed for awhile.

If he saw what I am doing, Clark would nod yes. He would want me to have this comfortable new home. Now I’m going to have to live in it. 

Then late this afternoon Zing and I took a long walk around Land Park. (It is dangerously close to the donut store on Freeport Boulevard.) But no — we explored the park, a new area this time, a kind of kiddieland with a train. That section will be locked up until the weekend, but I could tell it's a great feature for kids! There are pony rides too, and a zoo. And lots of open space for my dog and me. It was only 5 p.m., but  getting dark as we drove home through the Land Park neighborhood, which is kind of like Oakwood near Dayton. Gracious homes with some years on them.

Like some of us!

Love,
k