Little gestures and a big celebration

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Such an encouraging day! I connected with family and friends from here — and also there — helping,  laughing, nudging me on … Thank you! Your “little" gestures keep me going and make me want to pass them on.  

The day ended with dinner celebrating my friend Mary Kaye’s birthday at Mulvaney’s restaurant on 19th Street. We five had a private room, which generally means a nondescript spot on the edge of the fun. At Mulvaney's it was more of an adventure. We were led through the dining room, to a place where they were maybe slicing meat or some other food prep chore, then around a corner to a cozy room with golden light, walled with wine bottles floor to ceiling. Little candles flickered on the shelves. The special, intimate space encouraged conversation, and we covered everything from water protection to wind-up clocks and rattlesnakes. Dinner was charcuterie, cheeses from near the coast, salmon, cod, rice, and the best green salad I’ve tasted, with leaves so dangly and bitter. Napa wines. Green tea cheesecake. Chocolate whisky cake. Panna cotta. What a lovely celebration. 

Love,
k

Counterintuitive caffeine: news flash

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

I might appear kind of calm, but my heart beats faster than it used to.

Death makes me worry.

Clark would say get over it, Kathleen. Live!

So today I turned a corner:

Zing and I have called a truce. I bought (rented, actually) a citronella collar for him to wear while I leave.  I hate giving him the little anti-anxiety pills that change his energy so drastically. This collar squirts citronella-scented liquid onto his nose if he barks. I accidentally sprayed the stuff into my own face and it was mild, so I don’t feel nasty giving it to him. Zing has been telling me he is ready, and so am I. We tried it two times today; the literature says it takes a couple of weeks to work. Today he only barked a little bit. 

While on Zing reprieve I had a cup of tea at the bustling Temple coffee shop nearby. If I had wanted, I could have overheard lobbyists and government types discussing strategy. Honest, I didn’t even care to listen to that woman at the next table describing a legislator’s next moves. I was more interested in the barrista who told me that dark roast coffee (like the Italian roast I love) has less caffeine than the lighter beans. “The more you roast them, the more caffeine is removed,” she said. I thought that darker beans are stronger and thus fuller of caffeine. But no.

Tidbits like this make my world turn easily. Life is settling into place. 

Love,
k

Suddenly I realized ...

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

One moment today I stopped. I was walking through the middle of the living room. Suddenly I wasn’t sure where to put my foot next. My life seemed to depend on which direction I chose. I don’t mean to be dramatic — it was almost meaningless — but I froze, realizing that now, with Clark gone, my life is up to me. 

So I went to the kitchen and candied some pecans. 

Then I drew for a long time, first painting lines with erasable marker on a big white cup so I could follow them on paper for the contour class. I did the same on an apple, and then Zing and I went for a walk by the river, and I sat on a bench and drew his head (Zing said it was not necessary to paint lines on him.) With my pen I followed some of his errant hairs, which were as good as lines, or better.

Love,

k

This is called cross contour

it’s supposed to make you aware of volume

Zing does not seem to like me to look at him directly for long, 

so it’s hard to draw his face

I discover a bookish treasure

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Today was a jumble of cleaning and exploring Sacramento. One thing led to another: I checked out the Avid Reader bookstore at their new place (it was an old tire store, I think) on Broadway, and there I learned about an art quilt exhibit at the McClatchy Library nearby. So I headed over and was charmed — by the quilts and by the library itself. It’s in a big old house on the edge of the downtown grid. It belonged to the McClatchy family (of the McClatchy newspaper chain, including the Sacramento Bee). There are books all over, of course, but also computers, sofas and even a “quiet room” where no tech is allowed. It has to be the coziest library I’ve ever visited. I have found a little personal treasure!

Love,

k

A reading niche in the stairway

(This is pleasant, but the couches and easy chairs look softer.)

Walk a mile in her shoes

Pixieladies

Field of Dreams

Jan Soules

Simple things I never knew

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Things I learned today that maybe you already know. If you don’t, then this could save you $99 Geek Squad fee. (I know — I’m learning the simplest things that all of you already knew. It’s true! And it helps to repeat it like this.)

• You can’t fax without a land line. Duh.
• If you have Comcast/Xfinity Wifi, you can use Xfinity anywhere you can find it. Duh. This means all those internet opportunities that pop up when you click on that fan thing at the top of the screen belong to your neighbors. (I knew this!) But there’s also one labeled xfinity wifi, and that is available to anyone who pays for Comcast/xfinity. So if someone is visiting you, they can click on that instead of asking you for your password. And if you’re on the road, you can click on it too. You just can’t scan. Who knew?
• You can’t scan unless you’re on your very own home wifi. The one with the secret name, that’s yours and yours alone when you click on the fan thing. My mac wouldn’t connect to the printer/scanner six weeks ago, and a Geeek fixed it (Don’t ask me how, but it took an hour.) The same thing happened six weeks later, which is why Cayla came today to help. And Cayla explained the problem. Somehow my mac slipped off the personal wifi and onto xfinity. All I had to do was click it back. Duh. Thank you, Cayla! 

I like to scan. I have to scan. Maybe you do too. I guess it’s easy. Or at least simple. End of today’s tutorial!

Love,

k

A deeply happy visit

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

What a flip of worlds! Sacramento to Columbus and back to California …

The time and the weather were most different. Even the angle of sunlight (when there WAS sun!) set me askew.

It was a deeply happy visit. Steph and Patrick were there. And on Sunday Patrice and I, with help from Rachel, had a wedding shower for Gretchen, who is marrying Rich Thompson in May. 

Love,

k

Patrice, Gretchen, Mary and me

with shower friends in the background

at Lindey’s in Columbus

 I wrote a poem for Gretchen

A day in the sky

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

On top of the malaise from Daylight Savings Time, I’m hoping for a good jet lag tomorrow. Maybe these two tinkerings with time will work together for something good — at least it will be a good excuse when I am out of step with the world. In other words, I’m going to sleep now and wake up at 4:30 a.m. to get a 5 a.m. uber to the airport and then Washington DC and Columbus by dinnertime. Really, I’m looking forward to a day in the sky.

Love,

k

Trees in the park

contour drawing

My dog has more friends than I do

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

I am getting comfortable in this place. Hard to imagine — For months I was frozen at the idea of driving to Roseville, yet today Zing and I zipped up there (less than 30 minutes) just to return a blouse at the mall. And before, I could not imagine that dogs would be accepted anywhere but on the sidewalk, yet today Marisa at the Hair Garage cut my hair while Zing slept at my feet. And a beautiful woman came over, asking if she could pet my dog, and it turned out she KNOWS Zing — She goes to Sandra’s gym, and Zing was there yesterday. “I thought I recognized him,” she said. Her name is Odessa (“From the city in Russia and from mythology, “ she said. "I named myself.") Zing, it seems, has more friends than I do in this town.

Tomorrow we wrap things up and I get ready to head to Columbus, while Zing will stay at Grateful Dog. 

Love,

k

Blind contour drawing of Zing

This means I didn’t look down at the paper

 but kept looking at Zing as I drew

 without lifting my pen from the paper

Zing gets a Thundershirt

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Today was one of those tense days when things that shouldn’t bother me did anyway.

1. Technology! It makes my heart beat fast in a bad way when the stuff doesn’t work. I know this happens to you too, at least the don’t work part. This morning the attorney needed some info. I could fax it. Surprise! My fax wouldn’t work. Just making an appointment with the Geek Squad to fix it took forever. I couldn’t help feeling out of my depth, but then I applied the Do It the Easy Way rule and canceled a Wednesday appointment since I was overwhelmed. It gave me a cushion of time and I felt in charge again.

2. Exercise. I meant to do it this morning, but that three-hour time difference between here and Florida got me going on business early. The day spun out and by 4 p.m. I was bumpy-bump hyper. I surprised myself by actually wanting to exercise. So I did. It worked.

3. Talk on the phone. To hear a loved voice still matters.

Love,
k 

Written Sunday night:

Not much happened today. It was a relaxed Sunday. I cooked and wrote and drew and read. And napped. Zing wore his Thundershirt to get used to it. It’s a kind of cross between a shirt and a torso bandage wrap, with lots of Velcro (Do you hate Velcro as much as I do?). It’s supposed to make a dog feel snug and comfortable. Susan of Florida recommended it. I think it might work. 

Now I feel awake, but must go to sleep. I hope you like Daylight Savings Time more than I do!

Love,
k

Don't mess with me!

Written Wednesday:

Dear Friends,

Do you ever get in one of those “Don’t mess with me” moods? Today that’s how I felt. I think it’s a sign I’m coming back to life. Clark would applaud. He said I let people take advantage of me. (I hear you saying he should know! But please: Don’t mess with me.)

Around noon I gave a dollar to a woman playing a flute on the corner of 8th and O, near here. It was beautiful, and I said “Thank you.” 
“Don’t put that money here,” she said, pointing to her basket of dollar bills. “I can’t take your money if you say ‘Thank you.’” 
Huh??
Part of me said to myself everyone deserves respect. You’ve got to learn respect, Kathleen. She’s got her reasons. Walk a mile in her shoes.
And the other part of me put my money back in my pocket and said (silently), “Don’t mess with me!”

This morning I started drawing class at the Crocker Museum, and everyone else had perfect lines. I cannot and do not even want to draw a straight line, so when I showed my work it was all squiggly and imperfect. My eyes said to the women around the table, “Don’t mess with me.” 
“Oh, that’s very free,” said the teacher. Careful, teacher. Don’t mess with me.

And this morning I asked Zing if he likes the Treat&Train machine I bought him at the suggestion of UC-Davis vets. He jumps back at the sound it makes — I push a remote and “ZZZZ… click … whoosh!”  It releases a treat Zing hates it, and he told me so. I agree with him that it’s a stupid machine, even if it was invented by a genius veterinarian. I checked Amazon’s return policy and packed it up. So far and no farther, vets. Don’t mess with me. Don’t mess with Zing either.

It’s International Women’s Day, and I may be going overboard, but even if I am … you know … don’t mess with me!

Love (really!),
k

Take me to the quiet car

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

I’ve told you Patrick encourages me to be calm; he insists people in California are quieter than back where I come from. Whenever I speak in my “teacher voice,” which can be heard by the person in the back row, he pats my shoulder. “Shhhhh, Mom,” 

This morning Zing and I came across this license plate that seems to agree with him.

Love,

k

Earrings appear -- finally

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Today was the first time I wore earrings since Clark died. I used to love the dangly, flashy things — thought they did something good for my long neck. Then suddenly last June they seemed superfluous. I just didn’t see the point of dressing up. But this morning I was organizing the small stuff in my top dresser drawer, and I saw these turquoise and silver flowers that Patrick gave me.  I put them on, and wore them all afternoon. Felt good.

Steph and Patrick and a friend of theirs took me to lunch at Dad’s. Before that I did some business stuff and then walked with Zing along the river. I sat on a bench and sketched the gold bridge, while on the walkway behind me a class of high school students came trooping by from down-river, and a minute later the old train from the museum chugged and whistled in the other direction. In front of me, the water was still high and brown from the recent heavy rains. For a second there, it the riverfront was very lively.  

Love,
k

Cross-country treasure hunt

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

Gretchen and I went on a cross-country treasure hunt by phone today. 

Around her birthday last month, Gretchen and I were talking about napkins — I told her that Clark had brought me around to using cloth napkins, and how I love them. Which led to me asking if Gretchen would like some cloth napkins for her birthday. If you know Gretchen, you already hear her saying “Yes! I’d love them. Blue or green and white, please!” 

A couple of days later I mailed some napkins. To the wrong address. You see, that was when Gretchen and Rich moved. Seems there’s lag time of about two weeks between when you write a change of address form and when it takes effect. That’s when I sent the package.

After a month I asked Gretchen if she’d gotten them. “What napkins?” she said.

Luckily, I'd saved the tracking number. Online, the post office seemed to say the package had been delivered and then returned to the distribution center in West Sacramento. So this morning Zing and I went out there. The manager told me, no, you read the tracking record bottom to top, not top-down. It said the napkins started out here and ended in Columbus. They weren’t returned to California. 

On her drive home from work today Gretchen called me, and I told her the post office people thought it unlikely we’d find the package after all this time. But after we’d talked awhile, I heard Gretchen’s voice get clearer, as if she’d gotten off the car phone. We kept on chatting, and I heard little walking sounds. Then a click, as in a door. “They’re here!” Gretchen shouted in my ear. “Right here in the hall!” 

Seems no one has moved into her old place yet, and the package has just been waiting. For Gretchen. She hurried home to open the box, and soon I got a photo. The birthday napkins match her new tablecloth. She likes them. 

Gretchen’s birthday gift wasn’t supposed to include a treasure hunt. It was nerve-racking, but it sure was fun. May the new napkins see many fine meals!


Love, 
k 

Flowers speak to me

We've had flowers in the kitchen or living room almost all the time since Clark died. 

I feel like they're a gift from him to me. These are in the big window overlooking N Street.

Books, food, friends

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

I want to read an hour a day. Books, I mean. I’m finding the earlier the better. Never save it to bedtime. If possible, read right after breakfast. 

Today I didn’t do any of that. Instead, after lunch I sat on the bedroom floor in the corner by the closet where Zing is beginning to take up residence. I had my book (The Silk Roads by Peter Frankopan) and pen and I read about Hitler planning to invade Russia in 1941 while Zing curled up on the towel nearby. 

Earlier, Zing and I went to the farmers market, and then I cooked. Jody, my dog-walking friend, and his wife Liz and her service dog Phoebe came to dinner. The more we talked, the more we discovered we have in common. And dinner was good too: chicken with Mom’s barbecue sauce, scalloped potatoes like I make for Christmas, peas, pear-blueberry crisp, and they brought some great wine.

Love,
k

Inspired all day long

Written last night:

Dear Friends,

I just looked around the edge of the dresser and see that Zing has taken a new home in the far corner of the closet. Yay! When I recently (finally!) cleared the closet floor he nosed around in there whenever I opened the door. Since then I have been tempting him to stay, with soft towels and treats, but it’s been slow. It seems the ideal cozy spot that dogs are supposed to crave — a roof, walls, protection and freedom too. I hope that eventually it will be his quiet retreat when I leave him alone. For now he still stands sentinel at the front door.

This evening I had dinner with two couples from the building. The hosts live on the top floor with a lovely view. One woman provided lots of little ducks, which her brother had shot somewhere near here. The other couple cooked the duck and added fixings. I made dessert — another round of chocolate pots de creme. Talk was about food (Sacramento’s obsession) and then eventually about politics of our building. One of the men is on the HOA. Clark would have loved being with us. Actually, he may have set it up, just to see how I would fare.

This morning Judy and I went to hear Judy Coates Perez talk about her creative process. She's a vibrant quilt artist who lives in Sacramento. We had an inspiring time, and then went to lunch to talk about it -- even more inspiring!

And ... after looking into the options for postponing jury duty, I faced the fact that jury duty is ALWAYS an inconvenience, so I might as well do it now. I want to be an active citizen. Besides, since I can walk to the courthouse I won’t even have to find a parking space. But I need one for Zing.

Happy weekend!

Love,
k

Judy Coates Perez before her lecture
She paints her quilts, often with ink
 

Partial views of two more quilts
by Judy Coates Perez