New normal: not so grumpy

Written last night:

I’ve been feeling slightly normal, so today I did what a normal person does on Labor Day: relax.

Zing and I went for long, uneventful walks — to Capitol Park and later to the Amtrak station. The Capitol is 10 short, shady blocks down (up?) N Street — to 15th Street. We walked back on L Street; bits of it are slightly seedier than N, but safe. In between shabby brick office buildings are shiny new ones and re-habs and even a loft or two — signs of Sacramento's rejuvenation brought on by the new arena and hope in general.

Later we channeled Clark and checked out the Amtrak station, past Macy’s (I must have been near dead myself to miss Macy’s, two blocks from here!), through a gracious, dusty Chinese apartment and social complex, and over near the freeway entrance. It took about 25 minutes each way, but that’s because I’m going slow. It’s really pretty close. Zing wasn’t allowed inside the station, but outside it was almost bustling. I’m going to take Amtrak to San Francisco Friday, so of course I’m imagining I’ll get on the wrong train and then also miss the connection to BART leading to the Embarcadero. I’m going back to Amtrak for tickets tomorrow — without Zing, so I can get inside.

Today I realized how tender and grumpy I’ve been. Things like getting a train ticket would normally be rather simple, wouldn’t they? After Clark died they were insurmountable, an insult. Impossible. For three months I’ve been barely up to the demands of everyday life. Oh, I’ve been doing it, and I’m glad for the challenge, but I do feel put upon when problems arise. Like today, when I was changing the Amazon account, there was a glitch; I need a new email. I must set up with Gmail, just for Amazon. Which made me grumpy. I’m not sure, but it seems I wasn’t always this way. Adjusting to death is enough of a burden without adding a new email address. That’s what it feels like. But then I could say after death everything else is easy. Except it isn’t.

Not to end in a sad way —  I’m coming out of my burrow and seeing the sun.

Sacramento Amtrak station